The day of my flight to Korea, I sat and made sure that I listened to relaxing music, I ate a decent breakfast, even managed to eat lunch before the flight. I have never been so relaxed, I was so proud that I had been able to keep myself balanced. The flight went by without me feeling sick, panicking or feeling scared by anything. When I arrived at the airport, I had to wait for an hour to get into South Korea leaving my pick – up waiting for me, but I stayed cool, got my suitcase and managed an hour’s bus ride without freaking out. I didn’t know what had happened, but I knew it was good and I was proud of myself. I went to bed with a smile on my face, wondering if I’d found a way to defeat it.
The next day was painful. I woke up and every bone in my body was tense, I had a feeling of dread and didn’t want to get up. It was like all my hard work had been wasted. I mustered up the courage to get up but it took me a good while to get out of the hotel. Once I left I really enjoyed it, though there was just a feeling in the back of my head, of being scared of being out and about. Seoul is an awesome city but after about two hours I had to go back to the hotel. I got into bed like it would solve my problems. To an extent, it did, but I knew I had to do something else with my only full day without any conference events. I got up and travelled out to the Banpo Bridge where at a certain time there is a light show. I looked at the map and thought I had found some kind of short cut so got off a few stations early. I quickly ended up in a residential complex park. There was hardly anyone about and I just kept walking. At this stage, I wasn’t anxious, I was on task, ready to get to my destination. I got there half an hour late, thinking I would just wait until the next performance, when, to the second, the performance started. It was like some kind of reward the universe had given me for getting out of bed and doing things.
I know the universe has a set path for me (I believe in karma a lot and that everything happens for a reason.) I just can’t always see where the route is taking me. I should trust myself more, again my mind and myself being two different beings is a tough thing to work out, no I’m not schizophrenic, but there’s just a side of me that is often the stronger person in all of this, it’s a negative side I hate to bear. I read a blog about anxiety before I flew the other day and I think it helped a lot. This lady had had an apiphony, that the things we feel are not what cause the anxiety, we are perfectly able to treat them as symptoms. If we just accept that we are allowed to feel the emotions and thoughts in our heads, we suddenly chill out and let ourselves free. I’ve tried so hard to use this thought process and though it’s hard, I think it just might be possible. It takes a lot of work though and going forward I’m going to try it out.
On a lighter note, some facts I’ve found out about Korea so far include:
*Everyone is massively friendly (of course convenience store staff are separated from this, but they’re a different breed!)
* Motorbikes are just people with wheels, they defy traffic lights and don’t care if you’re crossing the road.
* There are scary smoke and bio hazard masks in several metro stations.
* They know how to walk on pavements (if you live I hk, this will be awesome news)
Make sure to live your adventures, no matter how big or small.