The Lonesome Wonderer

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I am currently in Singapore. It’s the summer holidays and I made sure I had two full weeks to recover from this year . It’s not been the best with symptoms rearing their ugly head all over the place , but I’ve worked hard .

The first few days of my holiday were spent in Vietnam, Hoi An to be exact, and here I realised for the first time, I didn’t have to do anything if I didn’t want to. In my head there is always someone asking “what did you do?”  “Where did you go?” For an anxious person this is very hard to get a grasp over. It feels like there’s a pressure to do the things you SHOULD do. We tend to think ahead instead of in the moment. But with my new attitude towards the world, l decided to do what l wanted, no fear. What did l want to do I hear you scream? Sit by the pool and do… nothing. I had a beautiful few days in which I did see the old town and I did go to the beach and if I found myself wondering what to do, I’d just put on my bathing suit and sit by the pool. l even got a tan, nothing major, but I feel good for it! Being alone here was a release. Something I’d dreamed of at my desk.

Then I got to Singapore. I took two flights by myself, to be honest, I can’t remember the last time I flew with someone, got myself a sim card and made my way to the first hotel. The room had free international calls so obviously I began to ring some friends in England and in Hong Kong.

Upon putting the phone down l realised I hadn’t had a conversation in over 5 days. Who does that? My housemate is busy moving and my friends are all away as well. Suddenly my world grew a little darker. Since then I’ve moved to an amazing apartment with jacuzzis on the roof and yet, I’ve become more and more unwilling to interact with the outside world.

Today l slept, bought an ice cream and played Sudoku. It’s Singapore’s National Day, the buses and MRT are FREE to ride and l played Sudoku. Loneliness is a strange thing. I have no power over the emotion, I just simply have to hope I haven’t wasted my time here.

Find some way to enjoy what you want to

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