A Letter to Myself.

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Dear N,

Remember who you were in Hong Kong. Remember that confident and resilient woman you were. Remember the friends you made and the people you now cherish.

I know England is hard for you right now, because life has become hard for you right now. There’s a certain way you used to be in Birmingham which effects who you are right now. But that’s the old you, that’s not who you’ve become. Embrace England with a fiery passion in your belly and a kind spirit.

Noone knows your personality like you do. You’re hilarious, witty (sometimes) and altogether kind. Remember that. Be that person you want to be, smile at strangers, be kind to the people around you and live life to the fullest. It doesn’t matter what country you’re in or who’s around you. Do this next step for you. Make the most of the hand you’ve been dealt and love yourself ever the more for it.

Remember people don’t know what you’re thinking. Ask for help when you need it and take notice of what’s going on around you. Be┬áthe strongest you, you want to be.

You know you don’t always love yourself. In fact often it’s quite the opposite, but the only way you can get through this is to be true to yourself. Use everything you learnt and be the traveller N. Right now there’s not much difference between you and her. Take that as an opportunity.

It won’t always be easy to read this letter without crying your eyes out or wishing you didn’t exist, but remember it’s always here. To care for you on the dark days and lift your spirits on the bright ones.

You need a new start and that all happens with you. Sit and write those applications and tell them everything you love about yourself, about how when you’re working with Young People you can’t think of anything else you want to do in your life. They make you happy, they give you life and without them you don’t have that. So get it.

Now, stop reading and get on with your life. Live it, to the full.

Best wishes,

N

The Generation Who Couldn’t Find the ONE.

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I’ve been getting on really well recently. My medication is doing wonders and I’m proud of what I am able to do with it. My periods of being horrifically ill have lessened and even been given a name. They’re called ‘surges’ when your anxiety peaks sometimes without your body even knowing that you’re anxious. It’s nice to know that there’s an answer to it. The world isn’t perfect, but the medication keeps things on an even playing field so that I am able to make rational judgements and decisions.

Something that has always been a source of anxiety for me is guys. I have been single now for more time than I wish to humanly admit. My entire adult life so far has been without a companion. I’ve dated, but only as many times as I could count on my right hand. It’s something that starts to eat into you as you grow with this on your shoulders. Is there something about you that people really hate? Am I unattractive?

I’ve been through every stage of being single, the ‘i’m too good for anyone’, ‘I’m independent and free’ to ‘fuck what’s wrong with me!’ and ‘how the hell am I ever supposed to find anyone?’ It’s got to the stage where, I am starting to look around. Sure, Facebook is celebrating a new engagement or marriage every five minutes, but the people around me are either married, no where near getting married or single, just like me. It made me think, are we just a generation that find it impossible to find the one?

Tinder is something I loathe. Is this what it’s boiled down to? Dating a million people, just for the point of dating. What happened to dating because you wanted a relationship, is that out of date now? Am I not allowed to want that anymore? Are we a generation that will spend our lives dating around, hooking up and generally not finding anyone to settle down with.

I get it, we live in a generation where our parents got divorced, found other people, the family model changed from a simple 2.4 children to a myriad of different meanings. It’s suddenly less socially acceptable to be with someone for a long period of time. Living in Hong Kong is especially hard. People come to Hong Kong mainly for two reasons, to make money and to party. This does not include a clause of ‘at some stage find someone that makes you happy’ unless you’ve been around enough people to fill a double decker tram. Who really wants to say that their wife or husband slept with sometimes hundreds of people before you two settled down?

I may be just negative, with anxiety you find it hard to get out the house sometimes, let alone go talk to the cute guy across the bar. It certainly gives you a new perspective on life though and often the light at the end of the tunnel is just a simple glint in someone’s eye that’s easily missed. I suppose I just wanted to share my opinion, with or without anxiety it’s a tough thing, this ‘finding love’ and a ‘happily ever after’ seems near on impossible.

‘Are we all just supposed to date around for the foreseeable future?’