The Reoccurring Incident

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I sit in my flat, on my bed where I’ve been for hours. Sometime in the last half an hour, the rain started. With the window open and my flat’s position in the roof, I hear it tapping on the window. One in a long list of things that makes me want to set up camp in my bedsheets.

I am depressed, down, unsettled, unmotivated, unhealthy.

In none of my dreams do I lie in bed all day, but yet, here I am. Same feeling of shame, same efforts to get out, same reasons to get better.

I know by now it’ll pass, that my feelings will change, that I may even be happy for a while. I was a few months ago.

I’ve decided you can only be happy in one of two things;

  • life: Family, friends, relationships
  • Work: Money, job satisfaction.

But only one of those things doesn’t keep my head above water. It’s like a lifejacket that’s only inflated on one side. Yes, there’s enough air to keep you floating, but you could still make a mistake and death isn’t too far away.

These moments are full of low light, dressing gowns, brief moments of smiling and often the overwhelming urge to cry. The guy I’m seeing told me I was the best thing in his life right now last night, an overwhelmingly nice gesture and yes I cried. But then I thought, he’s the best thing in my life right now. More than anything that made me think more about what is in my life right now. It’s not a thought that wasn’t sincere, but the way your mind works when depression comes calling.

What is in my life right now:

  • Him
  • Our dates
  • My mum
  • My friends
  • The odd workshop
  • Brief moments of beautiful creativity.

What isn’t in my life right now:

  • Job security
  • A loving family
  • The ability to travel
  • Satisfaction
  • Interaction with human beings.
  • Challenge

Looking at the lists, it’s easy to solve the equation.

Sending Your CV out + Job Hunting – time in bed + scraping money to see family – being in my own home = Some form of satisfaction  or balance?

* * *

My day:

Wake up, I’m tired, I trawl through Facebook searching blindly for something to satisfy a hunger I can never appease. You need to do some work today. Get up, if at all possible an hour or two after my alarm, eat breakfast with a cup of tea I only ever drink half of and try desperately not to watch YouTube. Watch YouTube until there’s nothing left to see. Feel like an utter failure. Think about what I should be doing in admin or CV sending and get overwhelmed by the scale of it all. Probably nap.

I lose hours doing God knows what, clean the kitchen, tidy my room, eat. I consider doing the work again, If I did I would be on top of one thing. My mind turns to that place of overwhelming fear again. Irrational fear. Uncomfortable fear. Inconsolable fear. I consider buying a desk. I’d do more with a desk. I google, I IKEA, I decide I don’t have the money.

I eat, I let myself watch some YouTube or Netflix, maybe this will cure the insatiable itch for satisfaction. He’s been playing video games, having some time to himself after work and he texts me. For a moment I feel relief. But it’s not sustainable. I persuade him to go back to his games, not to worry about me, even convince him I have been working or sometimes just admit I’m completely unmotivated. Something happens, the time goes by, he rings me, I laugh, appreciate his voice and his sentiment and then I sleep. If I can, for as long as humanly possible, but never through the night.

* * *

The rain is now pouring, letting out the amount of water I would need to cry to feel like I’d got anywhere past this place I’m in. It’s magical and I stand entranced feeling like for a minute it understands where I’m coming from. I return to bed and the anxiety kicks in.

With no one to see this develop and progress every day of your life, it’s easy to get away with. That child-like side of me I perceive ignores her priorities again. Ignores life again for another day.

Everything happens for a reason. 

The Meltdown.

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This time last week I was in bed exhausted after overdoing it at work. Here I am one week later and at the end ( I hope ) of a major meltdown.

It started last week after an intense period of rehearsals and getting everything ready for a huge meeting I was hosting with the freelance staff. I had stayed at work until 10pm one evening and worked from early in the morning. I was crashing, hard. On Sunday, I woke up thinking I’d be ok but as soon as I woke up, I didn’t want to move, I stayed in the same position for hours until I got up to go to the bathroom. Only then did I realise my viral labyrinthitis had been set off. Due to stress at an earlier time in my career the virus tends to rear it’s head at different stages of my life and throughout the day it got worse and worse.

I had begun this week also, to fill in my first job application and the journey I was starting on began to become more real. I also had a performance with a call time of 7.30am when I worked through until 6pm. It just all began to get on top of me. My mood changed, my sleeping habits changed and on Friday I couldn’t even concentrate enough to work and asked to leave and go home.

Friday night wasn’t too good. I have a colleague at work that, though she bought me over to Hong Kong to work for the company, she seems to want to find my negative flaws and air them out like her own dirty laundry. Within this week alone she’s pulled up my mistakes in from of my General Manager and at the end of this terrible day, sent me messages telling me I was doing my job wrong. No, she’s not my manager and yes, we work ‘together’ we’re on the same team and she doesn’t seem to want to work alongside me.

With her final message to me, it sent me over the edge. I bawled. I was almost inconsolable, I found myself pacing the flat trying to get this hate and anger out of me, but it was no use. I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive my day of work the next day, I work with young people through process drama and I just couldn’t face it. I text my boss to see if he was free and then, he rang me. I was in mid stream and full blown panic attack and I picked up the phone. I wasn’t thinking and I really shouldn’t have done it. My boss is a good one though, he heard what was happening to me and even offered to travel the hour and a half journey to see that I was alright, though I couldn’t let him.

Finally we both got in touch with my friend Lisa and she came over to calm me down. At this stage it would have taken hours if someone else wasn’t here to see me through it.

I am so thankful for having such supportive management, but I know in the next few days conversations will have to be had about all of this.

It’s now Saturday and today is the first day I’ve started to feel normal again. I just hope this is a one off. It’s the only time I’ve ever been like that when on my medication. It scared me, but I just have to keep looking forward and think of all the change ahead of me.

Listen only to the ones who matter.

Anger

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Part of my anxiety is another side of me, a while away from positive self I’d like to be. I have suffered from depression in my life but the thing that runs in the family is anger.

Ever since I was small, my parents have had huge rows. Rows that are constantly ongoing. From experiencing this throughout my childhood, it was a shock for me at university to realise you could resolve your problems without shouting at someone. I like to pride myself in staying calm and that discussion is the way forward instead.

I don’t shout ever really, maybe I should just to let out some tension! But it seems if I try to hold in my anxiety it ends in me becoming more and more angry, until it hurts. I harp on about it all the time but living by yourself, it’s hard to release tension as you don’t have someone to share your insecurities with. This in turn builds up inside me.

I hate it. It reminds me of my Dad, forever a man who can’t forget his past and who gets angry for fun, or just because it’s a part of his life. It always has been while I’ve been around.

I never want to get angry with my children, I want to teach them to be honest and able to mediate well. I just fear that I won’t be able to accomplish that myself. Now my friend is moving to live with me, I hope that a lot of this kind of thing will ease but it’s never easy to go through a period of time when you feel so angry and become even more angry that you feel this way. I just get stuck in my head sometimes, on the words someone said flippantly today or the deep meaning behind the person the bus’ fleeting glance.

 

Anger is often a mutation of my own insecurities being put onto others.