Am I anxious or just lazy?

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I think most people with anxiety have had a comment or two about how they just need to suck it up, get on with it or ‘snap out of it’ and many may have experienced another;

‘You’re lazy’.

This was on my mind recently until I got a chance to try it out. Like many days, when I find myself working from home, I lie in bed or return to my bed at some point in the day feeling lost and overwhelmed. So this time I sat with myself and asked ‘Are you being lazy or is this something different?’

I analysed the feelings I was having. The thought of moving made me feel like crying, the thought of leaving the house horrified me leaving a feeling of dread, I thought about all the things I had to do for work and I felt my body ache, hurt and tense up. When someone is being lazy, they know full well they could do the task, they just choose not to. This was SO MUCH MORE. To feel physical pain from the thought of leaving your bed is far from lazy. It’s overwhelming. It’s tiring. It’s all consuming. It’s not in any way lazy.

I think naturally as someone with anxiety I tend to get frustrated by my own symptoms. At the moment I am really struggling. I’m on medication that has kept me on the straight and narrow for going on about 2 years, but all of a sudden it’s effect is not as great as before. I have begun to get a tight chest and feel anxious just for going to bed, something I have experienced in the past. I would often avoid going to sleep because of it causing me to be tired at work and have a bad day, but it would repeat as quickly as before. I have noticed that I don’t want to leave the house unless I have to. That makes me sad. I love to be out in the sunshine, so to see the sun from my window and not want to sit out in it is a horrible feeling.

I managed two panic attacks last week in the same day. Something I am neither proud or happy about. But since then, I have not been the same. I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve cried, I’ve hidden, I’ve pulled the duvet over my head and in the last two days my brain has needed stimulus at every moment. If there isn’t something on in the background my brain is going crazy and making me feel like a failure. One thing that’s different though, is there’s no particular reason for this spell. Thats when it makes me re-visit my (self-diagnosed – doctors have talked to me for years about anxiety and depression, but never given a diagnosis.) GAD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder title and realise that this is something that has to be caused by an imbalance. To have your mind be empty but your body tense, chest tightening and a serious feeling of dread is FAR from lazy.

I hope to return to the Drs in the next week or so, but the thought of a Dr who doesn’t know me, worries me. I want to do the next step, I want to see what else is available, I want to see a psychiatrist. I do not want to have my medication increased. If I have anymore medication in me, I feel like I might become a lifeless box and there is so much life in this box I just refuse to lose.

Be confidently anxious.

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